god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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