hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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