the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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