I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
we're so committed to being not committed
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
