So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
