Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
