My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
