Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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