So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
