she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Is it because I queefed?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
