Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
