It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Boobs speak an international language.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
