if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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