So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
