He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
