I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Randomize
