nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize