I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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