I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
