jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
