As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
