WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
