Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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