I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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