All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize