I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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