3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
