Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
soo... how was my night?
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