Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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