I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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