I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
