Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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