life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize