the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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