I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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