i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
