Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you never un-have a 4some
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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