It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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