I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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