Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
