She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
