i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
