just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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