ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
