don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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