you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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