im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
