It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
