True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
babies were throwing up all over the place
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
