Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
