I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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