I am midnight drunk by noon
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize