I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
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