pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
