This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
