im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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