You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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