I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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